I’ve written about him earlier than, and a few of these instances I’ve modified particulars about him in order that he may not understand it’s him. We’ve recognized one another a very long time. I keep in mind him within the corridors of faculty, dropping to his knees and screaming in ache when some 12 months 7s pushed previous speeding to class, and the way they ran away as a result of they actually believed his prank. I keep in mind when he used to name cigarettes “most cancers sticks,” and when he used to smoke. I keep in mind him at college in a bunny onesie exterior a membership, keep in mind his dorm with the acidic white gentle of a kebab store. I keep in mind him selecting me up through the holidays and driving me to The Seaside, this small patch of sand close to the river that we by no means ought to have swum in as a result of apparently it’s stuffed with sewage. I’d inform him about issues I’d discovered in my philosophy course that I positively didn’t perceive, like Plato’s “The Cave,” and we’d keep chatting till it was so darkish you wanted your cellphone flashlight to retrace the trail.

We have been meant to go on a stroll collectively over Christmas, to Brimham Rocks or possibly Ilkley Moor, the place there are rocks within the form of a cow and a calf, and all this heather crawling over the hillside that somebody all the time units fireplace to in summer season with a disposable BBQ. We have been meant to speak about issues we used to speak about, me attempting to recollect one thing intelligent about The Finish of Historical past and why nobody makes something new anymore, one thing that he may not know, greedy for the small print of it, the entire of the valley stretching out beneath us, kicking stones, chilly water sinking into the damaged rubber of our sneakers.

Once I noticed the phrase “Annie” pop up on my cellphone display, I knew he was bailing. He had a good excuse, so it shouldn’t have bothered me. However it did as a result of I’m not simply me after I discuss to him, I’m additionally the me from after I was younger too, so I acquired upset in methods I wouldn’t usually. These days, if males cancel, I don’t care; I take into consideration the laundry I must do and the drawers I’ve to prepare. I take into consideration how tomorrow I’ll get extra work achieved as a result of I gained’t be hungover, the chums I may see as an alternative. However when he bails, it makes me need to punch my mattress or go for a protracted stroll with my hood up, one the place I fantasize about one thing narcissistic and silly like how upset everybody can be if I went lacking. He brings me proper again to who I used to be after I knew him, a young person with break up ends and battered Doc Martens who wore denim shorts minimize to the scale of knickers.

I all the time discover humorous stuff after I’m at dwelling over Christmas. A photograph of me in a crimson sequin costume screaming over the Beanie Child I simply acquired as a gift. My outdated cuddly toy canine Bones that I used to take with me in every single place. This time I discovered a diary from after I was about 16. It’s stuffed with Lord of the Rings quotes, like “Not all those that wander are misplaced,” and Carol Ann Duffy poems that I assumed have been actually deep. I’ve scribbled love hearts throughout it and taped minimize outs of flowers from magazines into it. Across the margins are all these barely deranged notes which say issues like “He doesn’t care about you, cease caring about him. STOP!” and “I’m being a depressed bitch about wanting male consideration.”